Enough with the fancy handshakes.

Let me explain. I was at an arts event this weekend, and encountered another artist who I generally respect but don’t know incredibly well. So I approached this individual, pleased to see him but also experiencing the usual “what do I actually have to say to this person?” social anxiety. I offered my hand, eager to get this first part of the greeting over with, and we clasped. But wait, what’s this? His hand is changing positions…

Fear. Panic. This would be no ordinary handshake.

Focus. Don’t panic, you can do this. Ok, first the thumb grab thing, that’s pretty standard. Then retreat for the claw, ok … yeah, you’ve got this. Oh wait, what’s this? I think it’s a fist bump … yeah fist bump, fist bump, do it! Whew! Just barely made that one. Hold on, wait. Where’s his hand going — oh no, I’ve never seen this befor—

Cue socially awkward moment.

There may be very few things you can really depend on in life — death, taxes, clichés — but for me the moment of social awkwardness following a botched fancy handshake is pretty reliable. Did I miss a day in school? Was I laying in bed, burning through a box of kleenexes while my classmates were practicing their fist bumps? I’ve never been able to crack this secret code of fancy handshakes.

So here’s my request. Say you run into me in a social situation, perhaps an arts event, and approach me to say hello. Please, a simple handshake will do. I’ll do my best to make it a firm and satisfying handshake, but really, let’s just keep it to one step, a simple up and down. Trust me, it’ll make things easier for the both of us.